


Hartbreak Motel

by stormboxx



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Awkward Sexual Situations, BAMF Roxy, Banter, Crack, Dialogue Heavy, Dogs, Domestic Disputes, Fix-It, Fluff, Harry Hart Lives, Harry as Arthur, Harry has a bionic eye, Harry is a Little Shit, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Married Life, Masturbation, Mentions of alcoholism, Merlin is so done, Mischief, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Mutual Masturbation, POV Alternating, Pining, Resolved Sexual Tension, Romance, Sexual Humor, So Married, Strip Tease, Stripping, Training, Trans Character, Undercover, Unresolved Sexual Tension, and yes, just for fun really, recruit fic, recruits - Freeform, very light momentary angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-29
Updated: 2015-08-29
Packaged: 2018-04-17 22:09:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4683164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stormboxx/pseuds/stormboxx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The seemingly endless work of getting Kingsman back on its feet after V-day is finally coming to an end. </p><p>Four years after that dreadful day, Eggsy is now a happily married man, a busy agent, and relieved that there's only one empty seat left at Arthur's table. His current mission is to help Merlin train the new recruits. Easy peasy. Right? </p><p>Well, it would have been if a certain 54 year old didn't seem to be on a very mission of his own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ashinan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashinan/gifts).



> Dear ashinan, I hope I haven't swerved too far away from your prompt, and I do hope it will bring a smile to your face :) It's just meant as a bit of fun.
> 
> To anyone reading this fic:  
> A tiny, tiny part in the story is written partly in another language; the translation of that part is in the end notes, but don't bother with it before you've finished reading. You might even get the gist of it before that, I think ;) I've done my best to double-check grammar and such, but as English isn't my native language I'm certain there will be lots of stuff I've missed. Bear with me, yeah? I hope you enjoy!

_8_

 

The tank test was over and done with two days prior, Amelia was already back in Berlin, and the recruits now sat in Eggsy's lecture thirstily scribbling notes and asking questions. Merlin looked at another monitor, and saw Roxy prepare the gym for her first lesson in hand-to-hand combat. He couldn't say he didn't look forward to see her hand them their backsides in all her raging, 5 foot 3 inches of astute glory. Again he switched screens and muttered in mild annoyance when he saw the feed overseeing the corridor outside the lecture hall Eggsy was currently in. Merlin pressed the side of his glasses and sighed. 

“Arthur, with respect sir, is there any particular reason I find you loitering in corridor F for the second time today?” 

Merlin could see Harry check his wristwatch, but did nothing to indicate that he was going anywhere, still leaning leisurely against the wall. 

“Merlin, always the insatiable voyeur. I'm waiting for Galahad, we have a scheduled meeting after his lecture.” 

“Really? And will this 'scheduled meeting' take place in Liza's storage closet in the west wing, as per usual, sir?” 

“I haven't the faintest idea of what you are referring to.” 

“Allow me to jog your memory: doorknobs have a purpose, sir. You use them to open and close doors, they should not serve as an emergency bu-” 

“If you're even close to insinuating we'd do such a thing-” 

“I've had that room bugged for eight months already, Harry,” Merlin whispered gleefully, trying not to include his co-handlers in their little dispute. 

“...Touché,” Harry bit out, eyeing his watch again. Eggsy would be finished in a couple of minutes, and they had little time to try and discover a new private and soundproofed room where their resident tech wizard and surveillance king extraordinaire didn't have eyes. 

“Remind me to go over your contract in the morning, Merlin. I think it's about high time we revise some of your sorcerous privileges.” 

“Absolutely not, sir,” Merlin snorted and ended the communication. 

- 

“And always keep in the back of your mind that when breaking and entering, your exit route may in some cases not be the same place you came in. Be alert, awake, and always pay attention to your surroundings. And if it's a stealth operation, what would be the most important?” 

Eggsy let his eyes swipe over the 8 new candidates, lingering on each of them precisely one second.

 

Viola Richardson, 22, from Oxford. Curvy little thing with dirty-blond curls, and a sharp glint in her eyes. 

Alys Hannigan, 20, from Belfast. The most piercing blue eyes in a freckled, pale face, fringed blond hair, and an absolute rigid posture. 

Benjamin Ivory, 24, from London. Lanky, tall bloke with mousy brown hair, and teeth so white it was hurtful to look at. 

Przemysław Szymczyk, 20, from Warsaw. An absolute giant, 6 foot and 8 inches tall with broad, muscled shoulders, a recent buzz cut and a pair of frameless glasses on his nose. 

Oscar Cloyd, 19, from Cardiff. Looked like he could be a distant cousin of actor Daniel Craig, only shorter and fuller. 

Gabrielle Harrison, 22, from London. Tallest of the women, but with slightly bad posture, short cropped brown hair and somewhat bushy eyebrows, skin white as milk. 

Davon Bell, 23, from Cambridge. No taller than Eggsy, short, well-trimmed afro, a devilish smile and a sharp jawline, as if cut from stone. 

Lasse Lindquist, 21, from Stockholm. Tall, tanned and slim, long blond hair pulled into a manbun, kind, excited eyes, and a relaxed slouch to his shoulders.

  

“Don't get caught?”, Oscar offered dully. 

Eggsy was unimpressed. “Obviously, but what else?” 

“Get in, get out, like ghost,” said Przemysław, with an accompanying hand gesture. “No-one ever knew you were there.” 

“Precisely. Thank you, Mr. Szym...Shym...Shymmick,” 

The young recruit from Poland acknowledged with a quick nod, well aware that his surname presented some difficulties for those trying to pronounce it. 

“With respect, Galahad,” the polish man spoke, his accent heavily eastern-european. “You can call me Przemek, it is more easy.” 

Eggsy nodded with a professional smile. “I will make an effort to remember that in the future.” 

Eggsy was in one of his charcoal grey, bespoke suits, had his Kingsman glasses on his nose, and strolled leisurely around their newest group of recruits in his recently shined Oxfords. It was the last day of their first week as recruits, and so far they had all proven quite capable. It was quite a diverse group; each had their own skills, and weaknesses. 

Eggsy had fun helping out with guiding, lecturing and training the new recruits, and though a bit ashamed to admit it, he did love to see them go through the same things he went through four years prior. He found it liberating, in a way. 

“Merlin will stop by your sleeping quarters during the afternoon to brief you on next week's schedule. You're dismissed.” 

Eggsy left the room, and walked straight into Harry.

 

“Hello, there.”

 

Eggsy sighed “Again, Harry? Don't you have work to do?” 

Harry reached out to cup Eggsy's cheek, but was stopped short when the young man turned on his heel and started walking. 

“Not now,” Eggsy hissed in a whisper, and Harry strolled up beside him. 

“Darling, would you relax a little?” 

“I will, if you could just keep your promise. I lose my concentration every time you suddenly pop in, so please, just let me do my job, yeah?” 

“Understood,” Harry nodded and they rounded a corner, stopping outside of his office. He opened the door, and Eggsy went wide-eyed at the sight of the towering stacks of paper on Harry's desk. 

“Uh, should I expect you home for dinner, or will you sit here all night?” 

Eyeing the state of his desk, Harry sighed and looked like he wanted to set the whole thing on fire. 

“I will try to make it home before nine, but I'm afraid I can't promise you anything.” Harry entered his office and sat down behind the Mount Everest of folders and paper. 

“Alright, see you tonight, luv,” Eggsy said, about to close the door after him when Harry spoke up. 

“Oh, Eggsy?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Why do you lose concentration when I visit your lectures?” 

_That blasted smirk_ , Eggsy thought and shook his head. 

“Harry Hart, you unbearable dot. You know why.” 

“Just making sure, my love.”

 

-

  

Lasse, Viola, and Gabrielle were having lunch together in the headquarters cantina on their first full day of rest. None of the recruits knew each other well enough yet to simply sit in peace and eat; all of them felt the awkward need to make conversation. The topic naturally centred around their training and lectures, and three people who were in charge of them – Galahad, Lancelot, and Merlin. 

“Hey, have you noticed that older gentleman who keeps popping in every now and then, during Galahad's lectures?” Viola asked, piercing her broccoli with a silver fork. 

Lasse lit up like a searchlight, nodding in excitement while sipping his water, and nearly spilled some of it when he opened his mouth to speak. “On Thursday I counted as many as 3 times during the course of the day. Who _is_ he?” 

Gabrielle clicked her tongue with a smile. “Well, it's obviously another agent. Have you really observed the man? The way he walks, speaks. Even though he's not addressing us, I see him scan the room. That man is in total control. Definitely an agent.” 

“But which one? Did he propose any of us?” Lasse asked eyeing the two other women mischievously. 

“You know full well that is something we are not allowed to discuss,” came a voice behind them. Davon took a seat at their table before he continued, “But I'm pretty certain he was the one to recommend Alys.” 

Benjamin and Oscar followed with their metal trays, sitting down with the rest of them. 

“How do you reckon?” Viola asked. 

“She watches him really closely, Alys, every time he interrupts one of our lectures.” 

“That proves nothing. Ever heard of a crush, Davon?” Gabrielle looked at him like he was thick. 

“I certainly don't blame her...” Lasse mumbled into his coffee. 

Davon rolled his eyes, looking at Lasse in mild disgust. 

“Lindquist, that guy is a bloody fossil. Please don't tell me you find thinning hairlines and imminent impotence sexy?” 

A cough brought them all to attention and they noticed Alys and Przemysław looking at them from two tables away. 

“Sound carries better than you think in this dining hall,” Alys spoke quietly as she ate her soup. 

“Thanks, Alys,” Benjamin replied in a clipped tone. “Also eavesdropping is very unbecoming for a lady.” 

Both Alys and Przemysław paid them no further attention, and ignored the snickers coming from Benjamin's table. 

“How did that happen?” Oscar grimaced and motioned towards the other two with his thumb. 

“What?” Gabrielle asked as she turned to look. 

“Ireland and Poland, in silent solidarity,” Davon said and rolled his eyes. 

“Well, either way, should they fail to become agents I'm sure there are still people in this country in need of cheap labour,” Benjamin spoke loud enough for the whole room to hear, and everyone at their table, except Gabrielle, roared with laughter. 

“You are such children,” she sighed and sipped her tea. Some of it dripped onto her lap when Lasse suddenly jolted beside her. 

“Hush! Galahad and Agent DILF, two o'clock,” he whispered before adding hurriedly “ _Nobody look!_ ”

 

From across the hall, Eggsy and Harry entered and Eggsy nodded to the recruits, who made a bad job of not looking at them. They took their seats on the other side of the room, Harry with a tea in hand and Eggsy with a coffee and a croissant. 

“Eggsy, darling, do you really eat those for lunch every day? It’s not good for you.” 

“I love them, old Em is a well good chef, Harry,” Eggsy said and took a monstrous bite of his chocolate croissant. 

“An’ ifh ya lofh eth-“ 

“Please close your mouth while eating, Eggsy,” Harry tried to sound disapproving, but the crinkle in his eyes gave him away. 

Eggsy hurried to chew and swallow his mouthful before continuing. 

“And if ya love it, it’s good for ya.” 

Harry nodded slightly, his eyes nearly shining. 

“I know what you mean,” he sighed as Eggsy continued to chomp down on his lunch, making delighted sounds.

 

From across the room a tall, blond swede was doing absolutely nothing to hide his audacious gaze. 

“Guys, I _have_ to know who that guy is. I swear, I won’t be getting any sleep until I know, I will-“ 

“Are you still talking about the fossil, Lindquist? You’re creeping me out,” Benjamin mock-shuddered. 

“..keep you all up whacking off to the thought of-“ 

“Oh, please stop talking, Lindquist,” Oscar groaned. 

“..his smooth half-silvery hair, and that tight-“ 

“Please..!” 

“...well-trained ass. I don’t care if it’s weird, I’d let that-“ 

“Lasse!” 

“…old man do just about anything to me and my body.” 

“Are you quite done?” Viola sighed, tone heavy with exasperation, ignoring the three other boys who made retching noises beside her.

 

Eggsy finished up his lunch and glanced quickly in the direction of the recruits, making several heads turn away immediately.

 “Harry, listen,” Eggsy said in a hushed tone and leaned a fraction closer towards Harry. 

“It's always good to see ya, you know that. I'm sorry if I was a little grumpy yesterday, but you have to stop randomly coming into my lectures, or else they'll...” 

“What, Eggsy?” Harry sipped his tea, the perfect image of innocence. 

“I just think they're going to notice, 's all.” 

“We're not doing anything against Kingsman regulations, Eggsy.” 

“I just think that... They might not take me seriously if they think I'm shaggin’ the head of the organization.” 

“But you're not, Eggsy.” 

“Wha'?” 

“Shagging the head of the organization, as you said.” 

“...I'm not?” 

“Well,” Harry got up and straightened his trousers before bowing down and placing a hand gently on Eggsy’s shoulder. His lips were ghosting over Eggsy’s ear. 

“Not right now,” Harry was practically purring, and the words sent a warm shiver down Eggsy's spine. 

Harry left the room, Eggsy’s cheeks took on a lighter shade of magenta, and somewhere across the dining hall, a Swedish man was gasping. 

 

_7_

  

Roxy was standing in front of the recruits, now 7 left. 

Bors’ candidate, Oscar Cloyd, had unwisely snuck in a bottle of whiskey he wanted to share with his fellow recruits, but ended up helping himself to it generously when the others had declined. When he, the following day, waltzed down to the shooting range 15 minutes late with a massive hangover and a breath that might have qualified as deadly, Merlin had yanked Oscar’s dog from him told him to start running as he lifted his firearm. Despite his bad hangover, both Roxy and Eggsy had been significantly impressed by the speed of which the Welsh man had taken off. 

She took them in one by one, before speaking. 

“Today we are taking a closer look at undercover missions. The ones we will observe today are typical 'firsts' for a new agent. Unlike our usual undercover missions, which will sometimes require months of work before, during, and after an assignment, these two are what we would classify as low-risk missions. But before we start, would someone please care to explain what an undercover mission is?” 

Benjamin rolled his eyes, obviously feeling like they were wasting his precious time. Roxy made a mental note of reminding him about discretion and body language. 

“Yes, Ms. Hannigan?” 

Alys Hannigan let her hand fall and stood to attention. 

“To go undercover would normally require a person, or persons, to work their way into a community or organization to conduct secret work or research, usually for the purpose of espionage or investigation.” 

Roxy nodded, and gave her a reassuring smile. It hadn’t gone unnoticed on her that Alys was being slowly and quietly frozen out from most of the group. She was a quiet girl, but there was a reason why Roxy had chosen her as a candidate. Her observational skills were exceptional, and Roxy had quickly learned that the young woman also had something akin to photographic memory. A skill-set like hers would be ideal for a Kingsman agent. It was a bit unusual perhaps, considering that Alys Hannigan was the daughter of a sheep farmer, and came from a humble background, but Roxy was sure she would learn more about her candidate as the training continued. She had chosen her after learning of her excellent performance as a medic in the army, and Lamorak had been the one to introduce the two a little under a year ago at a conference. 

“Exactly, Ms. Hannigan.” 

Davon held his hand up before speaking, and Roxy nodded to him. 

“When going undercover it is important to do extensive research beforehand, for example on speech and jargon within the group you’re infiltrating. Social codes. History of the group and such things. Nothing should seem out of place, or suspicious, from speech to clothing to manners, even the actions you take.” 

“Very good, Mr. Bell.” 

Roxy clicked a remote control and the big screen behind her lit up, projecting an image which resembled a web camera livefeed from your typical brown pub. 

“Now,” she said turning back to them, “We have sent two of our agents on two separate low-risk assignments, to give you a first glance into the most basic and important aspects of an undercover mission. First, we will watch Galahad’s feed. His mission is to locate and initiate contact with a man who who recruits dealers for one of eastern London’s biggest druglords. I want you to take note of anything you deem important. This is a game of disguises, of sorts, and I want you to do your best to see through those disguises and go through the different aspects of them. First, you'll need to uncover which of the patrons is our agent. Furthermore, I want you to observe his actions, his speech pattern, accent, clothes, body language,” she said and sent Benjamin a pointed look, “and take note of anything that might seem to be out of character for the persona he is portraying. Understood?” 

All recruits gave her a single nod. 

“Good,” she said and put on her Kingsman glasses. 

“Galahad, we’re ready for you.” 

A voice cackled through the speakers and everyone's eyes were glued to the screen. 

“Well good, luv, jus’ gettin’ us a pint.” 

The screen behind Roxy showed an old, brown pub with patrons nursing their pints in smaller or slightly bigger groups. No sign of their agent. Most of the patrons were in their 30’s or 40’s, and also a few younger, all with short hair and in the mandatory Fred Perry polos under Adidas track jackets. 

“Excuse me, Lancelot?” Viola piped up. 

“Yes, Ms. Richardson?” 

“Is Galahad in fact in the picture at this moment?” 

Roxy turned her back to them and hid a smirk. 

“I’m currently looking at him.” 

The recruits looked to each other in confusion. 

“Oi guv, give us one of them dark ones, yeah?”, the heavy accent flooded the speakers again. 

“He’s a chav!” exclaimed Benjamin and fell into a fit of laughter. Davon, Lasse, and Viola joined him before they were promptly silenced by Roxy’s sharp stare. 

“Focus, or you can pack up and go home,” she said, voice frosty cold. 

On screen, they saw Galahad clad in a mix of yellow, black, and white, hanging in the bar waiting for his Guinness. Another 10 minutes passed before Galahad sat across a shady looking man, drinking and quietly conversing. 

“Yeah, bruv, I’ve ‘eard me mates tellin’ me ‘bout this deal, yeah? Slangin’ some amph an’ whitney and get pretty stacked too, yeah, down in Stockwell, Brixton an’, uh, Peckham, I think.” 

“Yeah? Who’s told ya that? ‘ve never ‘eard ov it.” 

“Come on, mate, I jus’ need a couple’a tons to ‘elp me mum out.” 

“Piss off, I ain’t ‘ave time for this. I ain’t ya mate, eivva.” 

“Bruv, I wouldn’t come if it wasn’t no emergency an’ all, like. I swear, I can keep my mouth shut.” 

“Yeah, sure.” 

“Dead real, bruv. I live up in the estates, Alexandra Road. I’ve nevva grassed on no-one.” 

The other man kept quiet for a couple of seconds before checking his mobile. 

“The estates? What’s ya called, then?” 

“Wha’, that important or somethin’?” 

“I need to call ya somethin’ if he wants to hire ya. Jus’ make somethin’ up if ya have to.” 

“Eggsy.” 

The man looked up suddenly. 

“Eggsy? Yous the one who bea' up Dean n’ Bulldog n’ Raz?” the man was suddenly smiling. “Like, three-four years ago?” 

“Yeah, no need to let the whole place know, mate,” Eggsy hissed. 

The man checked his phone again. 

“Alright, we’ll ‘ave ya. Trial period, but if ya fuck it up, we’ll bloody _‘ave_ ya. Ya get me?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Tons for Stockwell n’ Peckham. Normally 4 ton for Brixton, bu' if you's good, I mean really good, you might ge' a bag. Bu' it’s Brixton, innit.” 

Eggsy nodded underneath his white cap, seemingly hanging onto every word and giving his phone to the other man. The man dotted something down into Eggsy’s phone before pushing it back over the table. 

“Ring after nine, ask for Gav. If he gives ya shit, tell ‘im Mazzy sent ya’. He'll meet wiv ya before eventually introducin' ya to Biggie.” 

“Yeah, yeah, you's doin’ me a good one ‘ere, bruv.” 

“Yeah, we’ll see. Now, piss off.” 

“Cheers, mate!” Eggsy said and went back to the bar again. 

He faked drinking and spoke to Roxy. 

“Got it. Want me to bring you anythin’ before I head back, luv?” 

“Galahad, return to Headquarters.” 

“Yeah, be there in 30, wait for me, yeah? Wanna see ‘Melaine’s' feed.” 

“Confirmed, Galahad.” 

Roxy ended the communication, and the video feed ended a few seconds after Eggsy left the pub. 

“Your observations, please,” Roxy said and turned to the recruits, several of them pouring over their notes. 

The group and Roxy discussed Eggsy’s performance in about 20 minutes. Roxy was pleased to see that all of the recruits were engaged in the discussion, and everyone had something to comment. 

“So, in conclusion, do you feel that Galahad’s performance was credible?” 

Everyone nodded in agreement. 

“Why?” Roxy asked, raising an eyebrow in question.

 

_Why indeed_ , Gabrielle thought to herself as her mind wandered. She sat back in her chair and crossed her arms, deep in her own thoughts. 

When Gary Unwin had first approached her, giving her the opportunity of becoming an agent, she had been at a charity event supporting a cause she not only supported, but was herself also affected by. ‘Together against domestic violence’. She had held a speech, talking about her own experiences of how a violent and alcoholic mother had ruined a childhood and a whole family, how the physical and mental abuse of her father was so deeply rooted in him that he was unfit to work. She spoke of how she had done her best to turn her darkest moments in life into something to motivate her to become better, to try to reach higher, to open her heart to others no matter how difficult it could sometimes be. Not only for herself, but also for the loving father who wanted nothing but a happy future for her. 

After her speech, Gary Unwin had approached her and introduced himself. He wore a crisp, black suit at the time, but not his usual Kingsman glasses. At first she had been afraid that he was trying to chat her up; it wasn’t uncommon, as she looked far older than her actual age. Grief and trauma can age a person in unimaginable ways. 

He had told her how he had been moved by her speech, and that he was interested in giving her the opportunity to continue making the world a safer place. The opportunity to prosper into a person who could become the supportive and dignified woman her mother had failed to be. 

The opportunity to make life better for her father. 

In truth, that had been incentive enough for Gabrielle. 

When they descended down the long tunnel from inside a fitting room of the tailor’s Mr. Unwin claimed to be working for, she had momentarily been gripped by terror. She had blindly followed without questions, only the promise of making her father’s life better ringing through her mind. 

‘What is this?’ she had demanded, and the kind look in Gary Unwin’s eyes had made her calm down in a second. 

'You needn’t worry, Ms. Harrison. I would never harm you,' he had said with an earnest voice. 

He told her about the Kingsmen, the modern knights, how they were agents above the restrictions of bureaucracy, so secret the government had little to no real knowledge of them, and how they worked to rid the world of threats toward everyone from everyday people in the streets to some of the world’s most famous individuals. 

She observed him then, as they took an underground shuttle to the country estate she later learned was the Kingsman headquarters. She found him laid-back, but still pleasantly polite and well mannered. Still there had been something she couldn’t quite put her finger on, and that feeling was one she still had, even after she got to know him a bit better. 

He certainly was an excellent agent, that much was obvious to her. She couldn’t imagine the hard training he must have gone through to be able to pull of the persona of the mission they had all just witnessed. She wouldn’t say that she knew Mr. Unwin too well, but she would at least reach as far as to say that she knew him well enough to know that he wouldn’t be the type to pull on a pair of adidas track trousers and walk around in them in public. She gave a small chuckle at the silly thought. 

Coming back to the present she noticed how all eyes were on her. 

“Ms. Harrison, I asked you a question,” Roxy said calmly. 

“I apologize, Lancelot,” Gabrielle said and sat up straight. “Would you please repeat?” 

“Certainly,” Roxy sighed and gave her an exasperated look. 

“Did you find Galahad’s act credible?” 

“Absolutely.” 

“Please give us your reasoning.” 

“Well,” Gabrielle started, “first of all he seemed to blend in perfectly, not only in terms of how he spoke, but also in terms of what he was wearing and how he moved his body.” 

“Good. There is, however, one thing all of you have failed to mention. Can anyone guess what it might be?” 

Again they looked to each other, but all heads turned when Przemysław spoke up. 

“He didn’t blink even, when the man he was speaking to more or less gave him perfect back story of his persona. He just agreed and..,” Przemysław stopped for a second, trying to find the right phrase. “..rolled with it, as British say.” 

“Very good,” Roxy nodded, and turned just in time to see Eggsy waltz in, a pint still in his hand. 

“Did I miss anythin?” he asked, smiling and winking to the recruits. One of the boys snorted, and Viola couldn’t contain her laughter. 

Roxy did her utmost to keep from laughing as she pointed to the pint in Eggsy’s hand, and instead put on a mock-stern face. 

“No alcohol during lectures and training, Galahad.” 

He laughed and took a seat at the front. 

“Well, I nicked it, so I can’t go back now.” 

This time Gabrielle was the one to laugh. He was a brilliant performer. 

“Shame to let it go to waste, innit? It’ll be gone in no time, Lance,” he said and sent Roxy a loving wink. 

“Very well,” she said and turned to hide her smile. 

“Next, we will watch Merlin’s mission.” 

A short knock was at the door before Harry walked in, nodded to Roxy without a word and sat down two seats beside Eggsy. 

“Now, you should know by now that Merlin is usually not regarded as a field agent. First and foremost he is a handler, the head of our tech department, and also the one who does training with new recruits, amongst other things. However, it does happen that he has to take part in missions like the rest of us. Not only is he a technological genius, he is also a wizard of disguise,” Roxy said and turned the screen on again. Gabrielle saw Galahad try to give his pint to the older agent, but he seemed to decline the offer with a small smile. 

Roxy told them that they should look out for the same things as when they were watching Eggsy’s mission. 

“Merlin is in a club in Soho frequently visited by one of Ukraine’s leading human trafficking-bosses. His mission is to approach the man, or the mark as we say, and poison him. He will do this, as you will soon witness, by any means necessary.” 

Eggsy snorted gleefully and leaned back in his chair. 

“This will be well good, I tell ya.” 

“Merlin, we’re ready for you,” Roxy said, and she could tell by the simultaneous gasp she heard from the recruits that they had spotted him right away. 

Maybe it wasn’t too strange, as the camera feed was directed towards a pink catwalk stage where only one person was slowly, and sensuously grinding against a metal pole. 

A voice was heard through the speakers, just as a sexy beat started to pump out in the club. 

“ _Everyone! Give a warm, hard, hot welcome to the mysterious, the magnificent, the majestic Laaady Melaine!!”_  

A roaring applause boomed through the speakers, and they saw the tall, stunning _Lady Melaine_ move around on the stage in a highly erotic fashion, winking and sending blow-kisses to the catcalling and excited crowd. 

Harry smiled with a soft chuckle and finally took Eggsy’s pint to have a sip. 

“He’s wearing the stilettos I gave him last Christmas.” 

 

-

 

Two days later, Eggsy had another lecture with the recruits. He was nearing the end of his lecture on how to fake and create an identity, forging documents, and supplemented it with what the recruits already learned in the NLP training they had done with Merlin. 

20 minutes before they finished a woman from mechanical had entered carrying a large vase full of colourful tulips. She placed it on his desk with a simple “Delivery for you, sir.” before she disappeared, ignoring the astounded looks from both the recruits and Eggsy himself.

The bouquet was accompanied by a card, which read: 

“ _Amsterdam is wonderful this time of year. So are the chocolate brownies I just had for lunch. Thought about you last night when I was in bed. I’m sorry to say I might have stained the silk sheets_.” 

For a second Eggsy closed his eyes as he, with a bit more force than strictly necessary, shoved the card inside his inner pocket. The bastard must have made sure it would be delivered during his lecture. 

Benjamin whistled. “Office romance, Galahad?” the young man dared to ask while wiggling his eyebrows, much to Eggsy’s dismay. He found it harder by the minute to stand the rude guy. 

“Just a practical joke, I’m afraid.” 

Doing his best to ignore the bouquet of tulips on his desk, and doing his _very_ best to ignore picturing Harry high on pot brownies while supposedly meeting the head of the Dutch branch, he continued his lecture. Again, as he felt some of the recruits still weren’t as serious about the training as they should be, he mentioned that the need to be one hundred percent into one’s assignment at Kingsman was paramount for the success of a mission. 

“But sir, that being as it were, it can’t guarantee a mission will be a success in itself, can it?” Alys asked. 

“Of course. There will be times where an agent’s actions are flawless, and still outside factors may cause the mission to fail. It’s not uncommon.” 

He noticed several of the recruits studying him throughout the rest of the lecture, occasionally eyeing the tulips suspiciously before turning their eyes back to him, just as suspiciously. He didn't really think that they suspected anything yet, but if Harry kept up with his rebellious attempts to get his attention there would just be a question of time when it would be out in the open. 

He wasn't sure. Maybe they were also still trying to figure out how this tailor-clad, impeccable gentleman with not a single hair out of place could pull of the chav stunt from two days earlier with such ease. Eggsy had a blast with it, and wondered if anyone had _really_ seen. He had heard some of the boys chatting about how ridiculous he had looked, and how unnecessary it had been for him to continue in character after he joined Roxy’s lecture post mission. The boys had been laughing and said they were hoping never to have a mission that required them to do anything so degrading if they became agents. 

_Don’t worry, you won’t_ , Eggsy had thought to himself when he started the lecture that morning.

 

Now it was soon noon, and he was a bit anxious to see who would make it after the parachute test scheduled for later that day. The recruits, of course, only knew that they were going to try out jumping with the chutes, and nothing of the impending terror Merlin would no doubt feel mirth in inflicting upon them some three hours later. 

“Any last questions?” Eggsy asked as he closed his laptop and, begrudgingly, grabbed the vase with the ridiculous tulips. 

“How come nobody has ever heard of Kingsman, sir? I do understand it's supposed to be a secret organization, but isn't it strange no-one has ever picked up on it? British tabloids are some of the most sly in Europe, as far as I know.” 

Viola's question made Eggsy smile. Remembering himself asking Harry that question four years earlier, his eyes going over the tabloid front pages in his study. And as Harry had answered him, he was now telling his recruits. 

“A lady's name, Ms. Richardson, should only appear in the paper three times during the course of her life. When she's born, when she marries, and when she dies.” 

“How many times has your name been in the papers, sir?” she countered him. 

Eggsy laughed mentally, but showed nothing to give his amusement away. She was insistent and brave, he would give her that, but finesse was something she would definitely have to work on. 

“By putting your observational skills to good use, I should hope that is something you can easily figure out without my help.” 

The lecture ended, and as soon as Eggsy was out the room, the recruits started placing bets. 

How many times had Galahad's real name been in the papers? The recruits were in the “one” pool, all except Przemysław. 

“On what grounds do you come to that conclusion, Pshymmick?” asked Davon, doing little to hide his derisive laughter. 

“It's obvious,” the pole retorted while closing his laptop. 

“Jak to jest oczywiste?” Gabrielle suddenly shot in, and the room went deadly silent as they realised she couldn't only speak Swedish (which they learned the first day when she introduced herself to Lasse Lindquist in his native language), but now also Polish. Przemysław straightened up, now looking at Gabrielle with newfound respect and amusement. 

For the first time since all the recruits met, that tower of a man finally smiled brightly. His green eyes gave off a sharp glint behind his rectangular glasses. 

“No to jasne, nie? Miał na sobie obrączkę, dwa dni temu,” he replied, lifting his left hand. 

“Tak, ale to był dzień 'disguises',” she said, and the heads of the other recruits seemed to shift between them the same way a confused cat would follow a rapid match of ping pong. 

“Wiem,” Przemysław nodded. 

“Może dlatego, może to była część jego przebraniu, co?” she offered while Przemysław shook his head once. 

“Jakoś nie sądzę, że to było przebranie,” he replied and took his bag, ready to leave. 

“...Naprawdę??” 

She sounded positively shocked. 

“Naprawdę,” he smiled, before he continued to explain further. “Galahad to prawdziwe przebranie, nie? A dwa dni temu, to nie były rzeczywiste przebrania dwa dni temu, to było ich prawdziwe ja.”  Przemysław winked and headed for the door. 

“Galahada, i... i Merlina też?” 

“I Merlina też.” 

“Kurwa mać!” Gabrielle exclaimed with a brilliant grin on her face. 

Przemysław laughed loudly as he went out the door. 

“Idę na siłownię, do zobaczenia!” he said and left, with deep, amused laughter still ringing in his voice. 

“I'm changing my bet,” Gabrielle immediately announced to the rest of the group. 

“What? Okay, come on now, what the hell where you two on about?” Benjamin demanded.

 

- 

 

Well, karma sure was a bitch. When Eggsy got news of the fact that he would be training the new recruits alongside Merlin and Lancelot, he had made a choice. He had done the mature thing and told Harry there would be absolutely no flirting or 5 minute escapes to the storage closet during the whole period of the training. Being the gentleman he's so often credited for being, Harry had accepted this without so much as a question. 

At first it worked splendidly. Not that Eggsy normally hated their little sporadic escapes during his downtime at headquarters, but this was his first time training recruits. He needed to be professional, and he needed the recruits to look at him with respect. Whatever happened after they found their new agent was out of his hands. Everyone in Kingsman knew and respected that Eggsy and Harry were together. Their very own 'John and Yoko' of Kingsman. And while they sometimes had Merlin tearing out his nonexistent hair in frustration over their, at times, juvenile actions, all the knights and staff knew that they treated their work with the utmost respect. 

However, two weeks into the training Eggsy had started to notice that Harry always had some dumb excuse not to roll in the sheets with him, even when they were at home. He never tried to make a move, and when Eggsy did he was always shot down with a ' _I have a headache_ ' or ' _I need to read emails_ ', or the most offensive one yet, ' _I need to finish my crossword puzzle_ '. One night, when he'd had enough, he asked Harry what was up. If Harry wasn't allowed to so much as touch him while at work, he'd been carefully explained, Eggsy would not be getting any sweet loving at home either. For the _whole_ period of the training. Harry had told him he could regard it as a lesson in patience. Eggsy had told Harry to kindly go fuck himself. 

Needless to say, it was a time of minor crisis in the Hart-Unwin household. 

Eggsy couldn't understand how Harry found such an idea even remotely constructive, but knew better than to try and worm his way into the intricate mind of his insufferable, yet wonderful husband. He had lost count of how many times he'd have to rub one out in the shower before joining Harry in bed, and sometimes that wasn't even enough and he'd have to get up and do it again. Harry Hart was breathing new life and meaning into the very definition of “being a tease”. 

“Eggsy, dearest, have you seen my pyjama bottoms?” 

Eggsy lowered his phone and looked to Harry rummaging through the drawers in their bedroom. 

“I put ‘em in the wash.” 

“Why? I only just washed them two days ago,” Harry said and started to unbutton his shirt, looking at Eggsy while doing so. He was deliberately slow, Eggsy just knew. 

“Well, I didn’t know that when I was cleanin’ yesterday,” he replied and went back to scrolling on his phone. Of course he knew. It was a part of his master plan, after all. 

Out of the corner of his eye Eggsy could see that Harry had thrown his shirt in the laundry bin and was now stepping out of his dress trousers. So far, so good. 

“Well, whatever am I going to do now that you’ve put them in the wash,” Harry wondered out loud, and Eggsy heard that he was purposely saying it as innocently as possible. 

“I guess you’ll just have to sleep in your pants, then,” Eggsy suggested, trying to keep his voice as normal as he could muster, gripping his phone a little tighter. 

“No, Eggsy. It feels so…constricting,” Harry said with a sigh, and Eggsy could swear his voice sounded deeper. This was it. “Then, sleep in the nude or somethin’.” 

“Really?” Harry asked, sounding just as innocent as before. 

Eggsy let his phone drop onto his stomach and sat up against the headboard. 

“Yes, Harry.” 

He tilted his head a bit backwards in the way he knew Harry adored, and flashed him his best “I’ve got plans for you”-smile. 

“Oh, I don’t know, Eggsy,” Harry sighed, two fingers dipping right under the band of his boxers, pulling slightly at the elastic, and still looking at Eggsy. 

“Wouldn’t that be a bit,” Harry started and looked down to his fingers as he pulled the elastic band a bit more, making the boxers slide down a bit further. “..naughty?” he finished and looked straight up to Eggsy again. 

Eggsy visibly shuddered and not only felt, but saw how his prick responded to Harry’s little show. The duvet over his body had a tiny, growing bump right were his crotch was. 

“Not at all, Harry.” 

Harry stepped around to his own side of the bed, resting one knee on the mattress. Eggsy felt his mouth go dry. 

“Are you sure you wouldn’t mind, sweetheart?” Harry whispered and finally put his whole hand down his boxers. 

How this 54-year-old man managed to overshadow Eggsy's deepest fantasies time and time again was a complete mystery to him. 

Eggsy swallowed as he shook his head. 

“Absolutely.” 

Harry started to pull at his boxers, revealing to Eggsy the V-shape of his abdomen and the dark hairs trailing down it. Then he stopped again, and shot Eggsy a downright wicked look. 

“Could you get me something from those drawers, love?” Harry said and nodded to the drawer closest to Eggsy. 

“On it,” Eggsy all but jumped out of bed. His plan was a complete success. He smiled triumphantly to himself as he rummaged through the drawer in haste. 

“Is it there?” he heard Harry ask in a voice that turned him on so bad he had to pause for a fraction of a second. 

Eggsy groped around in the drawer, but couldn’t find any bottle. 

“This is the only thing in here, Harry,” Eggsy said and turned around with some folded pieces of clothing in his hand, an apologetic smile to his husband. 

“Splendid,” Harry said, his voice suddenly back to normal. He got up from were he was perched on the bed and took the clothes out of Eggsy’s hands. 

“I knew I had an extra pair somewhere.” 

Harry started to pull on his spare pair of pyjama bottoms as Eggsy gawked at him. 

“Y-you…” Eggsy sputtered before he snatched up his phone and stomped out of the room. 

“Aren’t you coming to bed, love?” Harry called after him, the put-on innocence back in his voice. 

“You’re a wanker, Harry!” Eggsy yelled before slamming the bathroom door shut.

 

_4_

 

“Congratulations for making it to the final four,” Merlin boomed to the remaining recruits and tapped something into his clipboard. 

Lasse Lindquist, Viola Richardson and Przemysław Szymczyk didn’t pass the parachute test. It had been a close call for Alys Hannigan as well, but she had landed in the ‘K’ with just her legs outside of it. Merlin had been ready to let her go, but when Roxy levelled him with a downright menacing look, he had laughed nervously and decided that her legs really had been in the ‘K’ after all. Both Merlin and Eggsy had had the misfortune of standing on the receiving end of those eyes on one occasion, and after that they had secretly agreed to never do anything to unleash the “Wrath of Morton” ever again. 

“As you have experienced, the tests you have gone through have all been relying heavily on your will and ability to work together as a team,” Roxy supplied and held up a couple of folders. 

Merlin nodded to Roxy, and she proceeded with handing out manila folders to the recruits. 

“That ends today,” Merlin said sharply, and the recruits immediately looked to each other. Alys and Benjamin were the only two to really look the most satisfied with this new information. 

“While teamwork is essential to make Kingsman and our missions function to the best of its potential, we still have to be certain that an agent can work independently. Please, open your files,” Roxy ordered as she handed the last folder to Davon Bell. 

Merlin continued. “From this point onwards, you will have to use your NLP training, your intellect and your strengths to have a hope of succeeding in the final rounds. In your files you see an invitation for a party, and a photograph. Your mission is to win over this gentleman, earn his trust, and return here tomorrow morning with his phone number.” 

Benjamin and Davon scoffed. “That’s easy, you can just ask, can’t you?” Benjamin snorted, undoubtably feeling like this would be a cakewalk. 

“When I say ‘win over’,” Merlin started, and Roxy had to suppress the urge to roll her eyes. Merlin loved this part a little too much. “…I _do_ mean in the biblical sense. Please, have a look at the photograph.” 

Alys laughed, and Benjamin had suddenly lost his voice. Gabrielle gasped and eyed the photo with a pleased look, but Davon was quickly turning as white as his dress shirt. 

A sharp knock was at the door and Harry stepped inside. 

“Merlin, have you seen Galahad?” 

“No, I believe he is in his office. I’ll walk with you.” 

Merlin turned back to the recruits with a brilliant grin on his face. 

“Ladies, gentlemen, have a lovely evening. Dismissed.” 

Harry chuckled as Merlin joined him in the hallway. 

“Bedivere’s candidate looked like he could've used a trip to medical, Merlin. Who did you choose as their target this time?” 

“Prince Henry of Wales, sir.” 

Harry hummed. 

“Finally decided to go all out, didn’t you?” 

“Ah, Arthur. It feels good to be king.”

 

-

 

A couple of hours later Harry, Roxy, Percival, Bedivere and Eggsy all sat around Merlin in front of his monitor screens. They had just seen the remaining four recruits being drugged in the club, and were now waiting for the train test.

 

“So, who are we betting on will slip?” Merlin asked, sipping his tea. 

“What’s his name? Benjamin Ivory,” Eggsy muttered back and didn’t take his eyes off the screen as three people from the mechanical staff carried an unconscious Alys Hannigan to the rails. His legs were jittering. 

“Thanks for the support, Galahad,” Percival mumbled and nudged Eggsy in the ribs. 

“I'm sorry, Perci, but your boy is a total flake. Rox?” Eggsy asked and saw Roxy stare intently at the screen. 

“What? Same. Ivory. Or Bell.” 

“Davon, undoubtably,” sighed Bedivere, having lost all hope in his candidate. All eyes, except Roxy's, turned to him. 

“He’s my nephew. He has trouble staying in school, and keeps changing majors every other week because he never finds something to really challenge him. Therefore I thought this would be a great opportunity for him. Now I’m beginning to realize that was a huge mistake.” 

“I think you might be right,” Harry muttered and tried to pull Eggsy onto his lap, but Eggsy slapped his hands away, still annoyed about the night before. 

“Don’t touch me, you dirty, old man.” 

“Trouble in paradise, Galahad?” Roxy mock-whispered without looking away from the screen. 

“In hell, you mean,” Eggsy mumbled and took a sip of Merlin’s tea, and the man glared at him before snatching it right back. “We're fully booked down at the fuckin' _Hart_ break Motel.” 

“Oh, come off it, Eggsy,” Harry sighed. 

“No, you tit. I'll come off it when you lift the bloody exile on my arse.” 

Percival and Bedivere shared a look, Merlin pinched the bridge of his nose with a muttered ' _just_ _spectacular_ ', and Roxy finally huffed a laugh. 

“If you please could exclude us from your petty, little domestic, I would be _very_ happy,” Merlin bit out and (to Eggsy's utter satisfaction) shot a patronising look at Harry. 

“I’m sending in Jonathan now, so mouths shut.” 

Roxy didn’t take her eyes off the screen as she saw her candidate wake up and flail against the ropes. The headlights from the train came into view and Alys yelped once and started trashing about in panic. The young Irish girl was panting frantically, but not responding to the demands of the man standing with a knife in his hand in front of her. 

“Just tell me what I need to know, and you’ll live! You have 6 seconds, speak!” the man roared, but Alys kept her mouth shut, never taking her eyes off the headlights of the train. 

Eggsy was pretty sure Kay had a blast driving, picturing her happily humming to the theme of ‘Thomas the Tank Engine’ as she headed for the poor girl. 

“Good girl, Alys, don’t speak.” Roxy whispered, more to herself than the others. 

The train blasted over her and out of their view. 

“Well done, Hannigan.” Merlin muttered happily and nodded for Roxy. “Go down to her, Lancelot.” 

Next up was Gabrielle. Eggsy couldn’t sit still and got up and started pacing around behind Merlin as they heard the man pull the same lines on her as on Alys. 

“What do you think, Galahad?” Merlin asked. 

“She’s a tough one, Merlin. Last time I spoke with her yesterday we were in the shop lookin’ at weapons. Didn’t faze her, even though she told me she only ever seen ‘em in films.” 

It pained Eggsy to hear her scream in terror. He had promised never to hurt her, but he was quite afraid he had broken his promise now as he heard her hyperventilating. The train was coming closer and the man tempted her to tell him about Kingsman and she would see her dear father again. Eggsy felt like shit for giving him this information, but limits had to be tested, and he knew this would either be what made her or broke her. She had started crying, and all of them heard the last thing she yelled as the train bouldered over her. 

She had screamed for her father. 

Eggsy was proud and at the same time he felt terrible. Gabrielle Harrison didn’t slip up about Kingsman, and her last words, what she thought would be her last words, had been ‘I love you!’. 

“Go down there, Galahad. And give her a hug, that’s an order.” Merlin called after him as Eggsy was already running for the elevator. 

“I am so sorry,” he said earnestly when he got there and untied her. 

“T-that was so..,” she panted as Eggsy helped her up. “..That was so incredibly fucked up! Fuck you, Mr. Unwin!” she yelled and punched him in the stomach. Eggsy bent forwards with the blow and concluded that, despite her being thin as a stick, she sure could pack a good punch. 

“Yeah. Fuck me, indeed,” he laughed and rubbed his stomach. “But I’m well proud of ya.” Eggsy gave her the promised hug. After three seconds she pushed him away slowly. 

“Mr. Unwin, your accent just slipped,” she whispered and was looking at him suspiciously again.

_Maybe Przemek had been right after all_ , she thought to herself. 

Eggsy just smiled and told her to join him to see the last two boys mess up their tests.

 

- 

Much to Eggsy's comfort, both boys failed spectacularly. Benjamin Ivory had lost to a fit of hysterics, pissed himself and fainted. While Percival made a half-hearted attempt to defend his candidate, as the boy hadn't actually said anything else than “I'll tell you!” before passing out, Merlin decided that Ivory had failed. What was the use of an agent who logged out when faced with stressful situations? 

Davon Bell, on the other hand, had started making demands about money and blabbered everything he knew about his 'idiot uncle' before Merlin had singsonged happily for him to pack up his stuff and get out of his ‘beautiful face’. When the young Mr. Bell had countered by yelling that Merlin was a disgusting ‘tranny’, and after getting Bedivere's approval, Merlin had felt no remorse for turning out the lights in the tunnel, and played an audio file of rabid dogs running after prey. 

- 

Gabrielle placed her dog on the cot in the sleeping quarters and grabbed her bag before joining Eggsy on the bullet train. 

“So, what’s this about, the 24 hours?” 

Eggsy let out a laugh and smiled at her. 

“I thought it was a bit strange too. It’s nothin’ cheeky, if that’s what you’re thinkin’. Well, in my case it kinda was, but that's beside the point, yeah?” 

She didn't inquire further and simply nodded, noticing again how his accent was slowly slipping more and more. 

They bought Chinese and took with them to Eggsy’s home. As he unlocked the door, they heard eager barking from the other side. When her mentor opened the door, a fat little pug came running towards them. 

“JB! Good boy, say hi to Gaby. Yes, ‘Hi, Gaby!’ There’s a good, good boy!” Eggsy laughed as he picked him up and let the pug lick his face. 

“Hello,” Gabrielle smiled and ruffled JB’s head. “Nice to meet you, JB. Aren’t you a sweet one?” she laughed as JB did his best to drench her hand in drool. 

“But you better watch out, though. He’s the best little super spy pug there is. You are, yes, you are!” Eggsy whispered and kissed JB’s head. 

“This is your house? It’s a very nice place,” Gabrielle said as she entered, feeling a bit awkward for suddenly spending such private time with her mentor. 

“Yeah, I think so too. But I’ve had little to do with the interior design an’ all. It’s my better half’s work. Hey, I’m just gonna pop up and change. Please just start eating, yeah? Beers in the fridge if you want'em.” 

“Thank you, Mr. Unwin.” 

He was halfway up the stairs when he turned back to her. 

“Please, no more of this 'Mr. Unwin' shit, okay? Makes me feel like an old, posh twat. Please just call me Eggsy,” he said and winked before he was gone. 

Gabrielle stood as if glued to the spot. Well, _shit_. 

When he, two minutes later, reemerged in slacks and the same Fred Perry shirt he had used for his undercover mission, Gabrielle couldn’t have stopped her laughter even if she tried. 

“Wha’?” He laughed with her and joined her in the living room. 

“So,” she said through a mouthful of king prawns, “This is actually you. The _real_ you.” 

“So it would seem, Gaby.” He winked again and dipped his sweet and sour beef in soy sauce. Gabrielle noticed he was suddenly wearing a wedding band, much like the day of his undercover mission. 

“This is unreal.” She shook her head. “I suddenly feel like I don’t know you at all,” she muttered, but there was still humour in her voice. 

“Yeah, I’m sorry ‘bout that. When I knew I would be not only proposing a candidate, but also help training the new recruits, I didn’t want all of you knowing too much about me. It’s a form of security. I hope I haven’t lost your trust completely today, luv.” 

“No, Mr. Unw-..Eggsy. We’re good. I’m just a bit overwhelmed.” 

“That’s only fair. It’s been a rough couple of weeks. It’s a lot to wrap your head ‘round, innit?” 

“Sure is,” she snickered and drank her beer. 

They sat in companionable silence and ate for a couple of minutes before Gabrielle couldn’t wait any more. 

“So, where is Mrs. Unwin, then?” 

Eggsy sat back and looked like he was thinking about the question. 

“Right now I imagine she’s snuggled up on her sofa in Hammersmith, watching a movie with my little sis.” 

“Oh, your wife takes care of your sister? That’s sweet.” 

“What? No, me mum is. Mrs. Unwin, my mum.” 

“What.. but, you’re wearing a wedding band? I thought you said your better half was the one who did the interior design of this house?” 

“That’s true. I actually moved in here three years ago, right before I married.” 

“When will I meet her, then?” 

Eggsy chuckled lightly and helped himself to some prawns. 

“Pretty soon, I would imagine. Busy tonight though, helping a friend move into a new place, so it''ll be just us two.” 

Eggsy was actually looking forward to see Merlin's new flat, and the last time they talked about it  he'd been assured that Harry and Eggsy were most welcome to a housewarming dinner. Even as he munched down on the Chinese take-away, his mouth watered a bit thinking of the delicious food Merlin's wife always made. 

Gabrielle clinked her bottle against his, bringing him out of his thoughts. “So, does it really work having a job like yours and balancing family life at the same time?” 

“Yeah. It works remarkably well, to be honest.” 

“Well, that’s good then. If I do become a Kingsman, it's good to know it's possible to still have a family.” 

She sounded happy, and while Eggsy hadn't given her the whole truth as to why balancing his work and married life was no problem, he did wish the girl the future she was hoping for. It struck him that he might try playing matchmaker between his candidate and Roxy. He hadn't mentioned anything for Roxy, but he had seen on several occasions that his best mate was stealing glances at Gabrielle. He decided they would certainly make quite the pair. Gabrielle (who even had a couple of inches on him), with her short, brown hair contrasting fiercely with her milky skin and emerald green eyes. While Roxy was a dignified, yet to-the-point and no-bullshit firecracker of a woman, Gabrielle was calm and diplomatic, at least to his knowledge. He concluded that yes, he could definitely see the two of them as a couple. And they both had the snark down, too. Great stuff. 

“I really do want kids someday,” she half laughed and shook her head again, like she was embarrassed to confess it. 

Well, that would certainly challenge his plan a tiny bit, but it wasn't anything more than a trifle. In this day and age there were many options and possibilities. And there was nothing he loved more than a good challenge, anyway. 

“Speaking of becoming an agent, what can you tell me about what I should be expecting tomorrow?” 

Eggsy smiled and bowed his head slightly in apology. 

“Fairly little, I’m afraid. I’m not allowed to discuss the proceedings of the tests with you, as you're aware. Just-“ Eggsy was interrupted by JB jumping into his lap. “Just… Well, I will rather ask you, Gabs.” 

Gabrielle raised an eyebrow at yet another new nickname. 

“Going through these last couple of weeks, what has been your impression of the tests?” 

Gabrielle sat back in the chair, tapping a finger against the beer bottle and contemplated her mentor’s question. There were certainly different aspects to touch upon. 

“Well, I don’t really know where to start properly, but...” she shifted a bit. “There’s certainly the feeling of constantly being watched and judged on our actions. But I guess that’s just how it should be, when you’re training to become Britain's next top secret agent.” 

Eggsy nodded in agreement. 

“Apart from that…I don’t really know. Well, the tests always have some kind of weird twist. Like that horrifying parachute test. Or your 'undercover' mission.” 

“So you figured that out, yeah?” 

“I’m afraid not. The guy from Poland, Przemek, he was the one who pointed it out to me.” 

“I’d say he was quite sharp-eyed, then.” 

“Absolutely. So, in conclusion, I guess I would say that all the tests aren’t always…I don’t know. They aren’t always what they seem.” 

“Exactly. Gabrielle, luv,” Eggsy said and sat up straighter, pointing to her with his chopsticks.

“That’s what I want you to keep in mind for later, ok?” 

“Sure.” 

“Now, are we gonna sit around here all night, or are you gonna help me beat a boss in Metal Gear?”

 

_2_

 

The sounds seemed to fade out and disappear around Gabrielle as she followed after Merlin and Alys. Merlin was saying something, but she found herself unable to focus on his words. She kept thinking she _had_ to make it through, picturing the possibilities of how she could help her father get into a better care home, make life easier for him, make her own mean something bigger. Her mentor’s words kept floating around in her head, and for the umpteenth time she tried to pull them apart and put them back together; analysing every aspect of them. When they finally stopped outside a large, wooden door, all the information in her head seemed to blend together, and she was startled out of it as her dog barked. As if saying ‘ _Pull yourself together, girl!_ ’. 

“This is it, Ms. Harrison. Arthur’s waiting for you, in you go.” 

With that Merlin and Alys continued down the hall, and she was left to her own devices. Why was she the only one to see Arthur? Was that some part of the test? Alys following Merlin, was it supposed to put her off? She noticed the nerves beginning to act up again, but tried her best to ignore them. She gave the door a firm knock. 

“Enter.” 

As she walked over the threshold her nose took in the mature aroma of old leather and wood burning, a faint smell of whiskey. She nodded to the man in front of the fireplace, but stopped as if time froze when she recognized him. That older agent. The one who every so often stopped by during Galahad’s lectures. _Agent DILF_. 

“Oh, excuse me, sir. I thought this was Arthur’s office.” 

Harry smiled politely and gestured for her to take a seat. 

“It is. Please, Ms. Harrison. Have a seat.” 

She managed to suppress the laughter bubbling up inside of her when the realization dawned on her. Oh, if Lasse Lindquist only knew. 

“I have been following the progress of the recruits closely. I must say, Ms. Harrison, I’m quite impressed with your results, considering you have no previous history from neither military nor anything similar.” 

“I like to think that I have a strong will, sir.” 

“Most important in our line of work, I should say. Physical exercise training, I see you have remarkable stamina, but lack proper co-ordination in hand-to-hand combat. Did you find Lancelot’s class tiresome?” His voice was calm and collected, but very welcoming nonetheless. 

“Not at all, sir. I do love sports and exercise, but I can’t for example dance to save my life. Hand-to-hand combat is a bit similar, but I am prepared to work on it.” 

“Indeed. Should you pass the test, I shall see to it that Lancelot and Galahad will help you develop further skills in that area. As well as some lessons in ballroom dancing, perhaps?” 

She nodded her thanks, but lingered on his words “ _should you pass the test_ ”. Was this the test? Giving the right answers to Arthur’s questions? Had she already passed? Failed? It all felt like pleasant conversation, and she couldn’t see any hints as to what the test itself was. 

“How has it been training your dog? What’s her name?” 

Gabrielle smiled down to her proud Flat-Coated Retriever, the flames from the fireplace making the fur shine. 

“This is Wilma. I never really considered myself much of a dog person, as I have grown up with cats. But it’s been hard training for both of us, and I dare say we now make quite the team. She’s a star.” 

Gabrielle ruffled her fur and when she sat back up, Harry held out a pistol for her to take. 

“Sir?” 

She accepted the pistol with furrowed brows. Alarms started going off in her head. This did not fit the scenario. The cosy atmosphere and the pleasant conversation, the fire crackling beside them, and Arthur’s relaxed demeanour, Wilma’s gentle breathing by her feet. This was like a fly in a salad, or a hair stuck in your throat. It didn’t have a place here. 

“Ms. Harrison,” Harry said and sat further back in his chair, folding his hands. 

“Shoot Wilma.” 

Gabrielle jolted almost like she was the one who just got shot. She couldn’t understand the command. 

“Sir?” she repeated, and heard the dread in her own voice. 

“You have 10 seconds.” 

She stared at Arthur, but wasn’t really looking at him. Her training flashed through her head in a flurry of images, her mentor’s words, Merlin’s tests, Lancelot’s lectures, where was the information she needed? What had she missed? When had they prepared her for this? 

“5 seconds,” Arthur said, but his words sounded muffled, like he was far away. 

_the best little super spy pug there is, the test aren’t always what they seem, a Kingsman agent should be able to think on his feet, where you go, your dog goes, that was so incredibly fucked up! that’s what I want you to keep in mind for later, ok?_

“2 seconds, Ms. Harrison.” 

Keep what in mind? 

“1.” 

_There’s always some kind of weird twist._

Gabrielle didn’t tear her eyes from Arthur’s as she gave the trigger a hard yank, and even when the blast sounded she still looked at him, feeling her eyes starting to water. 

_Please let there be a twist_ , she prayed and couldn’t gather herself to turn to Wilma. 

She could see Arthur smile warmly at her, and he held out his hand again. She let go of the pistol like it was suddenly sizzling hot. 

“Well done, Ms. Harrison,” Harry said and bowed down to pat Wilma’s head. 

Gabrielle hesitated to turn at first, but finally did so slowly, and the tears bubbled over as she saw her beautiful dog pant confusedly up at her, tongue hanging out of her open mouth. Arthur stood and extended his hand, and she placed her in his, seeing how violently it was shaking now. 

“Everything is alright, now.” Harry said in the same gentle voice as before. 

“Welcome to Kingsman,” he near whispered, “Tristan.” 

She thanked him and sank to the floor to embrace Wilma, whispers of ‘ _I love you_ ’ and ‘ _I’m sorry_ ’ rolling off her tongue like a mantra. 

Gabrielle took her leave with Harry’s promise of letting Eggsy know the good news. She needed to go visit her father, and give him a good, long hug.

 

-

 

Harry was just stepping out from the shop in Savile Row when his phone buzzed in his pocket. 

_How my girl do?_ read the text from Eggsy. 

_She is not anyone’s but her own, Eggsy. A fine young woman, our new Tristan._ Harry replied. 

_!!! Fuck yeah, I knew she could do it! Btw don’t be jealous, u can be my girl 2, Harry_. _Aw, I bet Roxy’s a bit disappointed. I suggest everyone brings chocolates on Monday, to keep the monster in her at bay, if u get me?_  

Harry chuckled and got into the car waiting for him. 

_Merlin said Ms. Hannigan had understood what the final test was before he even gave her the gun. She never took it, explaining she would never harm an animal. Good idea about the chocolates. Home in 20, love._ He hit send, and immediately regretted it. He typed out another text feeling a bit immature. 

_And it seems that the training has been concluded.. Do you have any plans tonight, Eggsy?_  

A couple of minutes later Harry received a picture that made him flush so profoundly his voice cracked when he addressed the driver. 

“Any chance you could speed up a little?"

 

- 

 

Harry had to strangle the urge to simply run up the stairs two steps at a time when he finally got home. Instead he went straight to the kitchen and quickly made two martinis, before ascending the stairs. If that picture had been anything to go by, Eggsy would be more than a little ready to just drag him into bed. 

The bedroom door was shut, so he gave it a light knock before entering. Eggsy was splayed across the bed on his stomach…fully clothed. 

“Took ya long enough,” he quipped without turning to Harry. 

Harry put the martinis down, and started to unbutton his jacket. “Eggsy, darling, I thought you might want to share a drink with me. To celebrate our new Tristan.” 

Eggsy appeared to contemplate the offer before he muttered, “Yeah, alright.” 

Harry noticed he sounded a bit miffed, but the drink handed to him was accepted with a small smile anyway. 

“Hello,” Harry smiled as Eggsy met his eyes. 

“Hello.” 

Eggsy sipped his drink quietly and averted his eyes again. Something was a bit off about his behaviour. Harry sat down beside him and allowed his hand to brush through the younger man’s hair, and he felt Eggsy lean into the touch ever so slightly. 

“Are you angry with me?” Harry’s voice was quiet and warm, and Eggsy shook his head a little. 

They sat beside each other on the bed, shoulders barely touching, and said nothing to each other while finishing their drinks. 

“Thank you,” Eggsy said and handed Harry his empty glass before sitting back against the headboard and picked up a magazine. 

Harry wanted to laugh, knowing Eggsy all too well when it came to his stubborn way of demonstrating he was annoyed. He knew he would have to warm his boy up a bit before the lovely smile would make its return, but guessed it was only fair. Harry had a small idea that this was about the celibacy stunt he’d pulled on his husband when he’d been told Eggsy wanted ‘business to be business’ during the recruit training. To begin with it had started out as a small joke on Harry’s part, him wanting to see how hard he could stretch the rope before it, well Eggsy really, snapped. To his astonishment, that didn’t happen. Sure, there had been some bitter comments and the occasional cold shoulder, a few very creative attempts to trick him into having sex, and even a few nights spent in separate beds, but all in all Eggsy had proven himself to be a very patient man after all. Not that Harry doubted Eggsy’s love for him, but he was still a bit moved by the fact that he’d been told he was loved, every night, even though he was being a ‘total tease and an intolerable, old wanker’. 

He smiled at the thought and got up to undress, but halted when Eggsy coughed sharply. 

“What are you doing?” 

“I’m getting ready for bed, Eggsy.” 

“It’s only nine thirty.” 

“Well,” Harry said and took the cuff links out of his sleeves, “I assumed you wanted me home right away so I could shag your brains out.” 

Eggsy flushed and lifted the magazine so that it hid his face. 

“I did, but then you took so long so I just fixed it myself. Done that a lot recently,” Eggsy said and shot Harry a pointed look. He raised a questioning eyebrow in return. 

“Fixed it yourself, then? How?” 

“Asked Mr. Donaldson over,” Eggsy said sourly and Harry couldn’t contain his sudden laughter. 

“Did you, now?” 

“Sure. You know me, Harry. Any old posh twat will do.” 

Harry couldn’t stop smiling as he shook his head over Eggsy’s little lies. 

“I’m tellin’ ya, after he had his hip done last summer it’s like he’s 20 years younger, so full of energy,” mumled Eggsy and wrote something in the magazine. 

“Yes, I would imagine,” Harry sighed and stepped out of his shoes and socks, loosning his tie a little. 

“So you don’t feel up for having a go with someone who happens to be 30 years younger than Mr. Donaldson, then? Who also happens to be dashingly handsome, and not to mention your husband?” Harry said and threw his tie in Eggsy’s face. He flicked the tie away with an irritated growl. 

“Nah, I’m busy.” 

“Busy with what exactly?” 

“With finishing this crossword puzzle,” Eggsy bit out, and Harry started laughing again. 

“I’m really stuck on this one. Maybe you could help me? Five letters, starts with H ends with Y, and the question reads ‘Insufferable, old, pensioner playboy who-“ 

“I’m not _that_ old, Eggsy.” 

“- refuses to do anything more than give his hot, young thing a simple peck on the lips for two excruciatingly long months’. You have any idea? ‘Cause I’m completely stumped.” 

“Okay,” Harry sighed and held up his hands as a sign for peace. “Darling, I apologize.” 

“Not good enough.” 

“How can I make it up to you, my love?” 

“I dunno. Be creative.” 

“Do you want me to beg? Is that it?” 

Eggsy smiled smugly and dropped the magazine to the floor. Well, then. He had to play the begging game. Not like he’d never done it before. 

“Please, Eggsy. Tell me,” Harry sighed and got down on his knees in front of the bed. He saw Eggsy sit up, craning his neck a bit to properly see Harry. 

“What can I do to fix this? I’ll do whatever you want.” 

“Whatever I want?” 

“Just say the word, love. I’ll do anything for you.” 

“Fine,” Eggsy exclaimed triumphantly and clapped his hands together. “I’ll instruct you.”

 

That was a little too easy. Harry got to his feet again, and had the faintest feeling that he would soon regret what he’d promised. The young man was still, even 4 years after they first stood in front of the mirror in Fitting Room 3, awfully full of surprises.

 

“Strip for me.” 

Harry blanched at Eggsy’s words. 

“ _What_?” 

“You heard me.” 

“Eggsy, I really don’t think-“ 

“Oh, it’s quite alright, babe. I know it’s difficult the first time,” Eggsy pouted and looked at Harry with undertsanding eyes. 

Harry crossed his arms over his chest and felt, to his horror, a fierce blush creep into his cheeks. 

“Here, I’ll put some music on,” Eggsy said and went over to Harry’s old record player. “I didn’t know you was a Prince fan, Harry. Found these in the basement the other day.” Eggsy held up a couple of old records, flipping through them before he pulled out a worn, old 7” single Harry hadn’t seen in over 20 years. 

“Found just the perfect song for ya,” Eggsy grinned, winking and waving the single up for Harry to see. He was mortified when he recognized the sleeve and understood where this was going. 

“Eggsy, please…” he found himself actually whining when Eggsy flicked the stereo on and slipped the single onto the platter. Harry knew that even though he hadn’t heard the song in many, many years he still knew every word of it by heart. Why had Eggsy gone through his old stuff in the basement? This was extremely embarrassing. 

“I won’t make you do the whole song, baby,” he murmured and gave Harry a blow kiss. “Just give us a little twirl?” Eggsy put down the needle and winked at Harry before sitting back down on the bed again. 

Harry nodded slowly in defeat, knowing this was one he wouldn’t get out of so easily. 

“Hey, I love you?” Eggsy smiled and Harry found himself smiling back. How could he possibly say no to that face? 

“Fine,” Harry groaned and lifted pointed finger to Eggsy. “But it will never leave this room, can we be clear on that? Because if it does, so help me, I will-“ 

“Relax, sweetheart. I want this to myself.” 

Harry nodded and heard Prince sing the first few words of the sexiest song ever written.

 

_Here we are in this big old empty room, staring each other down_

_You want me just as much as I want you, let’s stop fooling around_

 

Harry shook his head and chuckled softly, running a hand through his hair. The things Eggsy made him do… It almost scared him to realise how much power the young man held over him. 

He started with a slow swaying of his hips with his eyes closed, not daring to look at Eggsy quite yet. The top button of his shirt popped open, and he heard the younger man breathe in sharply. Oh, so it wouldn’t take more to elicit a response? Very well. Two could play this game. 

He continued to unbutton his shirt slowly, still swaying but getting more into it now. The last button open and he started humming quietly to the melody. He left his shirt on, though it was now completely open, and Harry almost felt Eggsy’s gaze burn into his skin. He moved to take off his shoulder holster, but let go of it when he heard a whispered ‘ _No_ ’ from Eggsy. He knew the boy got weak in the knees every time he saw him wearing it. Instead he reached for his trousers, _pop!_ top button open, and he finally risked a look towards Eggsy as he started pulling down the zipper, agonizingly slow. He wasn’t ready for the sight that met him. The sheer state of how Eggsy looked hit him like an express train running late. 

Eggsy had somehow gotten rid of his clothes without him noticing, and he was only down to his pants now, gently palming the erection agressively tenting under the soft fabric. His mouth hung open and he kept darting his tongue out to wet his lips, his breath already laboured. His eyes seemed completely glazed over as he raked them over Harry’s body.

 

_Here we are looking for a reason, for you to lay me down_

_For a love like ours is never out of season, so baby please stop teasing me_

 

Harry let his trousers slide down to his thighs, bit his lip and winked suggestively at Eggsy before leaning back against the wall. He felt completely ridiculous, but the low growl it drew out of his husband was worth it. He took his glasses off, chucked them onto a pillow by the bed, and slung his arm above his head, resting against the wall. Rufling up his hair with his other hand, he grinned like a devil when Eggsy closed his eyes while biting his lip. When Eggsy again opened his eyes, Harry went in for the kill; he tipped his head back and started caressing his own throat and chest with one hand, and let the other one slip into his boxers to shamelessly touch himself, all the while holding Eggsy’s gaze. The chorus came around for a second time and he thought _Oh, bugger it,_ and sang along in a low, breathy voice, never taking his eyes off Eggsy.

 

_So do me baby, like you never done before_

_Give it to me ‘till I just can’t take no more_

_Come on, do me baby, like you never done before_

_I want you now, I just can’t wait no more,_

 

“Ah, Harry..” Eggsy was moaning as he leisurey started to stroke himself. 

There was no going back now, so Harry pushed all embarrassment out of his mind and stepped out of his trousers before walking over to the foot of the bed. 

“You’re leaving me no choice,” he whispered, in perfect unison with Prince. 

Hooking a thumb under the band of his boxers, he deliberately played with the elastic. Stretching it, pulling it a bit down, a bit up again, letting it go, and the smacking sound against his skin made Eggsy wheeze, the lust in the young man’s eyes searing hot. Harry licked his lips and tugged his boxers down with a quick, confident move, a sharp thrust of his hips to the beat of the drum. He rested his knees against the bed before sliding both hands sensually through his hair, showing off his naked, toned abdomen to his husband. Eggsy looked catastrophically aroused, and again Harry spoke the lyrics in sync with the voice from the speakers, putting on his best American accent. 

“What are you gonna do? You just gonna sit there and watch?” 

The young gentleman on the bed shook his head vigorously, and the sight drew a wicked smirk out of Harry as he closed a fist around his rigid prick. 

“Alright.” 

Agonizingly slow he started to stroke himself, and like in the song, he exaggerated every pleasured moan, breath, and sigh with great skill. 

“Harry..,” Eggsy whined, “C’mere.” 

He motioned for Harry to join him, and he gave in willingly. The sound of his pulse thundered in his ears and he finally admitted to himself that, no matter how embarrassing, stripping for Eggsy had made him hot and achingly hard. 

He let the shirt and shoulder holster fall to the floor as he crawled into bed and over Eggsy, grinding down hard against him. The contact made Eggsy gasp in surprise and he desperately claimed Harry’s mouth with a scorching kiss. Harry rolled down beside Eggsy and deepened the kiss, weaving his fingers into the younger man’s hair, pulling him closer. Eggsy groaned into his mouth, and Harry felt the boy’s shivering hands slide over his chest, before settling low on his hips. After a few intense minutes they pulled apart to breathe, and Eggsy rested his forhead against Harry’s, panting hot and hard against his face. 

“That was so.. I don’t think.. Oh, chrissst,” he hissed and rutted against Harry. 

He chuckled and bit Eggsy’s jaw gently. 

“Was that what you had in mind, sweetheart?” Harry whispered against the younger man’s throat, sliding his tongue over his Adam’s apple. 

“I can’t- Harry, I don’t think I can…” Eggsy whined, almost vibrating in Harry’s arms. 

“It’s alright, love.” 

He took both of them in his hand and started to move in lazy, languid strokes. Eggsy was moaning heavy under his breath and started lapping at Harry’s throat with his tongue. 

“Mmh, more.” 

Harry found his husband’s mouth and complied, feeling how Eggsy responded like a man drowning when he sped up their pace. Pumping them both with a strong, efficient hand, Harry felt himself slowly starting to go under. Eggsy suddenly nudged away from his mouth as if burned and settled against his throat again, sucking down on it hard. A rough groan spilled from Harry’s lips as Eggsy bit down hard against his pulse, spilling hot and wet over Harry’s fist and stomach. The boy shuddered against him with a strangled sigh and Harry followed right after, his moan mixed with mirth as he came hard. 

The only sounds in the room were two rapid breaths slowly evening out, and the needle’s steady rhythm, trapped in the record’s run out groove. 

After a few more minutes Eggsy laughed and started to wipe them clean with a paper towel. 

“Man…” Eggsy sighed and sat up resting on his elbow. “That is hands down the hottest thing I’ve ever experienced.” 

Harry laughed quietly and covered his eyes with his arm. “Glad to hear it, Eggsy, as that is the singlemost embarrassing thing I have done in my entire life.” 

Eggsy snorted and pushed at Harry’s arm, trying to see his eyes. “Liar. You was _so_ gettin’ into it.” 

Harry didn’t reply, but the silly smile he was trying to hide gave him away. 

“And I have this very suspicious feelin’,” Eggsy said smirking wickedly as he lifted Harry’s arm away, “that ain’t the first time you’ve ever done that, mate.” 

Harry huffed and smacked Eggsy in the face with a pillow. 

“I won’t be able to look at myself in the mirror for a full week, _mate_.” 

“Really? You sure there ain’t some kinky, old honeypot mission file somewhere in the wizard’s archive? No young Galahad struttin’ off his sweet, hot stuff?” 

Harry froze in terror. 

“Oh my God, there is!” Eggsy squealed and fell into a fit of hysterics. 

How could he _possibly_ know that? That dreadful two-man mission in Hamburg in the spring of ’94 was something they had sworn to take to their graves. He hadn’t been able to look Percival in the eyes for months! 

Harry snapped out of the horrible memory to find his husband in tears gasping for air. 

“Eggsy, this is not funny.” 

Eggsy was still howling with laugther as he started to tap something into his phone. “I’m gonna piss myself!” 

Harry reached after the phone. 

“What are you doing?” 

Eggsy slapped the hand away and continued to write. “Tellin’ Merlin what I want for Christmas.” 

Harry pounced in desperation and straddled Eggsy, a vice grip around the younger man’s wrists, and they heard the phone clatter to the floor. Harry set his ‘Arthur’ look on him, and the laughter shrunk in Eggsy’s throat until it was just a low snicker. 

“I would strongly advise you to reconsider,” Harry grit out through his teeth, and held a finger hovering over his left temple. He would never use it on Eggsy without having his consent of course, but he needed the message to hit home. Eggsy rolled his eyes and went limp under Harry’s weight. 

“Alright, Terminator, take it easy. What, you gonna record me to death?” 

“Merlin’s upgraded the software. It has a hypnosis function now.” 

Eggsy scoffed, clearly unimpressed. “While I know that is complete tosh, I’m gonna pretend I believe ya so I don’t hurt your big, manly ego.” 

Harry let go of Eggsy’s wrists with a satisfied nod. 

“Good to know I still have an ounce of control over your silly, little whims,” Harry murmured and gave Eggsy a peck on the nose, and in return Eggsy took the opportunity of licking his chin. 

Eggsy looked up at him like Harry was a small child who simply didn’t understand. 

“Oh, babe,” he said and shook his head, “You know I’ll find that file either way.” 

“And why is that?” 

Harry let his hand slide down Eggsy’s side before resting on his waist, and the boy made a pleased sound and whispered, “Haven’t you heard, luv?” his voice ringing of innocence, before it dropped down to a low, dirty growl as he snapped his hips up into Harry’s. 

“I have the _most_ persuasive techniques.”


	2. Epilogue

Gabrielle hurried down Gloucester Road and took a sharp turn when she finally reached Stanhope Mews South. Three pensioners stood on the corner there, conversing with each other in a rather clamorous manner. She only had a few minutes before her bus would be there, and so she prayed there would be someone home to answer the door.

“Sit, Wilma,” she ordered her dog and rang the doorbell. After about 20 seconds with no sign of life from inside she decided to give up. Not that she really expected anyone to be home at two o’clock on such a lovely Saturday afternoon. Only when she turned to leave she heard someone come to unlock the front door.

“Yes?” came a rough voice behind her.

She jolted as she found herself face to face with the very Arthur of Kingsman.

“Sir?” she managed to stutter forth in confusion.

“Ms. Harrison? Good morning, what can I do for you?” he greeted her, seemingly unaware that it was well past noon already.

 “I came to see Eggsy, to collect my phone charger. I managed to leave it here two days ago,” she explained, discreetly taking in the state of the man in front of her. He called after Eggsy, saying that ‘Ms. Harrison’ was there to see him, while pulling the robe he was wearing a bit tighter.

He looked like he’d had a hard day’s night; his hair was falling into his eyes and he didn’t appear to have slept very much, going by his tired, bloodshot eyes. It essentially looked like he had taken quite a beating. Not to mention the alarmingly red and aggressive rash that more or less covered his throat. If he hadn’t been smiling so politely at her she would have assumed he was in pain.

“I honestly didn’t expect to see you here, sir.”

“Oh?” he replied simply with a frown.

“ _Be right down, babe!_ ” they heard Eggsy call from upstairs, and Gabrielle was starting to wonder how many different names Eggsy was going to call her before accepting that her name really was Gabrielle. Not _luv_ , or _Gabs_ , or _babe_.

“No hurries, darling,” Harry gently called back, and smiled at her saying that they should probably give him a minute. It took her three seconds to compute the words, and then a short laugh burst from her lips when it finally dawned on her, the last puzzle piece falling into place.

“You’re Mrs. Unwin..!” she blurted without thinking, and did her best not to smile when she saw Eggsy slowly come down the stairs one step at a time, hissing slightly.

“Pardon?” Harry looked at her, frowning once more.

Masking his snicker as a cough, Eggsy stepped forwards and handed her the charger, winking at her like a mischevious schoolboy.

“Gabrielle, let me introduce you to my husband, Harry,” Eggsy grinned and slipped his hand around Harry’s waist. Gabrielle and Harry shared an amused look and shook hands.

_Oh, isn’t he just quite the comedian_ , Harry’s eyes seemed to say.

Eggsy invited her in for a cup of tea, but she politely declined as she was on the way to see her father. They said their goodbyes, and she jogged down towards the bus stop, Wilma trotting happily beside her. The senior trio were still there chatting away, and she couldn’t avoid overhearing them.

“Yes, yes, it’s quite puzzling,” the old man said loudly. Gabrielle saw the elderly woman at his side shake her head in an apologetic manner to the other woman in the blue hat. “It has been going on for ages, I shoud add, and then suddenly nothing! For two whole months,” the old man explained further, and Gabrielle could see the two women exchange a look like they were a bit uncomfortable.

“And I know he has not been away on holiday, as I see him and his nephew arrive home more or less every evening.”

“Dear, young Gary isn’t Mr. Hart’s nephew,” the wife muttered, but it fell on deaf ears.

“But you see, last night it started up again. At one point I must admit I was afraid they were going to knock the bloody wall down!”

“Now, now, dear. Don’t rile yourself up,” the wife patted his arm gently, and the man seemed to calm down slightly.

Gabrielle saw her bus turn the corner far down the road, and it appeared the woman in the hat would be joining her as she tried to say goodbye but the man didn’t seem to notice and kept rattling on.

“Of course, I do understand Mr. Hart is a busy man, so it makes sense he only has time in the evenings.”

“Daniel, dear, Mr. Hart and Gary are-“

“I can’t say I understand the younger generation’s obsessive interest with home improvement, the television is brimming over with those blasted programs.”

“I don’t think they are renovating, dear,” the wife sighed again and tried to steer him in the opposite direction after saying goodbye to the hatted elderly lady.

“Nonsense, Margaret. What else could they possibly be doing at such an ungodly hour?”

 

_Indeed_ , Gabrielle snorted and got on the bus, and Wilma settled by her feet.

“What do you think, Wilma?” she whispered and patted the furry, black head resting on her knee. “Do you think Mr. Hart is renovating his home?”

The dog grunted.

“No, me neither.”

 

 

The End

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> A note on Eggsy's speech/accent: you might've noticed I alternate between the use of 'you'/'ya', and it's done deliberately, as he also does this in the movie :)
> 
> Translation of Gabrielle and Przemek's conversation:
> 
> P: “It's obvious,”  
> G: “How is it obvious?”  
> P: “It's clear, isn't it? He wore a wedding band two days ago,”  
> G: “Yes, but that day was 'disguises',”  
> P: “I know,”  
> G: “And therefore, maybe it was a part of his disguise?”  
> P: “I don't think it was a disguise"  
> G: “...Really??”  
> P: “Really."  
> G: “Galahad and... and Merlin too?”  
> P: “And Merlin too.”  
> G:“Holy shit!”  
> P:“I'm going to the gym, see ya!"
> 
> And for the love of all things holy, do yourselves a favour and listen to Prince's (original studio version of) "Do me, baby", and you'll get why I couldn't stop laughing when writing Harry's strip tease.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed reading, that you maybe had a good laugh, and I'd love to hear what what you think. Peace!


End file.
